This is September 15th, Sunday.
It's 1:06:20 long.Tuesday, September 17, 2024
Nursing Home - Bowling
I asked who would put up the pins and ended up doing them, got a workout! Also, the lady in charge's glasses fell apart and kept falling off... I told her I'd do them several times... I seem to look a lot skinnier now, after the exercises, too.
https://youtube.com/shorts/8gXximmUSlo?si=v4Zb-y3-wAMcx92V
Question
I typed this out awhile ago.
Why is everyone always embarrassing me and wasting time time when I explain shit to them?
Slide Right in in Life
It was more that attractive Baby Boomers and probably other Baby Boomers and older people have it for them to set or "laid out" that will get pleasure. It seems like they just slide right into it without a problem. I've been beaten around the bush about their dying and me looking forward to things I don't like, like I can't survive when I can, socially too.
Worsen Lives
Do you think that the people who acted like I was nice and then punished me will have their lives worsen or go down a step, like this and in other ways that seem to have happened to me socially?
You know, people who seem to be involved with Andre Rieu, which doesn't seem to be his musicians, who seem to think they can tell other people like me what to do.
African Americans
Why don't you let these shitty African Americans control the social lives of other young White Americans girls?
"Floridians..." and Andre Rieu?
I bet "Floridians" like to act like they know everything to "get the better of" Andre Rieu.
Problems
Andre Rieu's music people etc. shouldn't be taking up his concern and over me since acting like I'm in trouble with him. I'm just going to "ignore" this bull shit.
"This Just In"
Via the people working in the nursing home, I heard that I'm a joke after people pretending like I'm in Andre Rieu's music group.
I also heard I have to submit to people I don't want to, though I know I can be alone.
Baby Boomers Get Pleasure Later
Did you notice Baby Boomers, at least some, are getting excited I'm projecting or could be now about getting pleasure? but I'm not older and feel like "life" is ending?
If you want to know my real backup plan, it's to get graduate degrees in Music Education and the undergraduate degree hopefully sometime and use it to do research and I guess write books etc. and maybe work in administration etc. I figure when I'm old I won't want some things I used to, as Baby Boomers probably die before me if nothing big happens in anyone's life.
Punchline
Can you imagine everyone being like me feeling doped and punished feeling "hung over" like they are being punished by Andre Rieu for no reason but ultimately? staring in front of the internet on their little Google Chromebook, again? for $100, feeling old.
💔 Feeling Hurt
I feel hurt by all the meanness done to me.
I've been a good fan of Andre Rieu, and I feel like people think I did something wrong. They'll notice I was just punished for something embarrassing, getting attention. Also, they seemed to think I was a good person, yesterday. Now, they think I am stupid and ugly. I wasn't stupid, I'm strangely informed.
I just don't feel that much. Sometimes now, yes, in some ways to some degree.
Nursing Home Drama - Nice Man...
An old man in the physical therapy "gym" in the nursing home looked at a lady in there, who's rather obese, who seems to be from the Cleveland area and acted like he couldn't be okay at night just looking at her and what she did, to me.
Dreams
I had this horrid dream. I let my mom or got my mom to carry me around the mall, and it felt like I dreamed this for 15 minutes. I was huge and age 38, like I am in real life. I also had my dad carry me and felt more cozy, this time. It was like an excuse, as it wasn't fun anymore, for Andre Rieu to carry me, unless Pierre Rieu the issue of me set him off...
My mom said she was doing yoga and kept spinning around dancing beautifully in Asian. I took a photo of a mirage of a phoenix coming with her also looking and talking. One seemed clearer later and she didn't see. In real life, she's passed away and it's harder to really remember her, now.
I think earlier in a different sleep I dreamed about buying pots and pans and looked for what seemed like an hour and couldn't find a set of pots. I wanted a pink set of fans. Thinking back, it feels like Andre Rieu helped me or oversaw, with some other people. I remember going back and saying I want pink. It was huge, you know like Wal-Mart, which in real life a lot of people just seem excited about or younger kids having their "ducks in a row" now.
Music
I listened to this yesterday and am still listening to the last one.
September 9, 2024 - Electric Light Orchestra - in Canada
Something Happening in "Life"
Dear Journal, so, now, I know Andre Rieu is mad and protecting his son from me, who is maybe 3 years older, his youngest son, because of a sentence that stood out on the page I said. I had been defending him and caring about him and "taking" him. So, he's been rather antisocial and even frustratingly or hidden-ly or racially snide with me. I guess that's okay. So, I said he's not as good as others, I think, because of his race and added three periods at the end. In the context of me defending him, it makes sense, but I guess they just look at this one sentence.
Anyway, people are mean to me and make excuses. So, people aren't wondering anything beyond this one sentence, now, like what I meant or how I am usually. He must be sensitive to the race itself and not feel like an individual with part of that race. That's understandable as I'm used to my mom being totally of another race and being disconnected, and Jewish people have more in common, at least racially, with Europeans. In fact, they may be technically the same "race" and need to stop whining to me, in the way that they do. I have the right to be as white, and Jews overall, many, don't understand that.
Anyway, I also don't think Asians are better and never thought Jewish people were bad, of course, but who does? I'm pretty mad the people, I know, in the nursing home are "getting away with it," making fun of Pierre Rieu and Jewish people in secret message, I can tell what they say by listening to their distant voices, unfortunately, where I can't "make out" the words and the constant coughs of a man here etc., somewhere outside my door. It was blatant and obvious in message, and I feel blamed for not reading the context of the sentence and the three dots at the end indicating I didn't explain it in full. I guess I forgot I did that. It's another big mistake. I was fed up with him, honestly, acting so quiet and like ha ha I sit with my father are you embarrassed... feeling bad and not doped out in fun. No one was being nice with me and talking much, so. I wasn't first. They were being mean to me. I thought it was funny to make them feel shocked. I didn't mean anything much against him. It just stands out. Many people are mean and don't make sense.
Anyway, people are mean to me and make excuses. So, people aren't wondering anything beyond this one sentence, now, like what I meant or how I am usually. He must be sensitive to the race itself and not feel like an individual with part of that race. That's understandable as I'm used to my mom being totally of another race and being disconnected, and Jewish people have more in common, at least racially, with Europeans. In fact, they may be technically the same "race" and need to stop whining to me, in the way that they do. I have the right to be as white, and Jews overall, many, don't understand that.
Anyway, I also don't think Asians are better and never thought Jewish people were bad, of course, but who does? I'm pretty mad the people, I know, in the nursing home are "getting away with it," making fun of Pierre Rieu and Jewish people in secret message, I can tell what they say by listening to their distant voices, unfortunately, where I can't "make out" the words and the constant coughs of a man here etc., somewhere outside my door. It was blatant and obvious in message, and I feel blamed for not reading the context of the sentence and the three dots at the end indicating I didn't explain it in full. I guess I forgot I did that. It's another big mistake. I was fed up with him, honestly, acting so quiet and like ha ha I sit with my father are you embarrassed... feeling bad and not doped out in fun. No one was being nice with me and talking much, so. I wasn't first. They were being mean to me. I thought it was funny to make them feel shocked. I didn't mean anything much against him. It just stands out. Many people are mean and don't make sense.
Monday, September 16, 2024
Dream
So, it came... An ugly or whatever Asian boy did something opening the trunk and was coming the back of the car. My mom was driving. She kept locking the front door and it didn't work. The back door locked. I think I got out and ran and fought him off using our arms. His teeth seemed like maybe there was saliva on them you couldn't see bubbles or slime or anything from. Is he Asian American? Anyway. It was like a road you might see on TV, disheveled grass, a gray maybe sorta uneven road but mostly flat or curved. The car was old, like the one from my Gramma I used for piano when I wanted to take ballet in a city where there was none but far away in the city where maybe we should have found transportation? I don't remember what happened. There was something like college and food involved and I was tired in a car and gonna use my cell phone to transfer money to eat. I remember then I guess it was like a banquet with all kinds of people I knew, like my family and saw my dad maybe across the table somewhere, a stereotype of a nurse in the nursing home... It wasn't a very long table. It had a white tablecloth. So, I felt like Andre Rieu was holding me like a toddler to his chest, but it looked like I was sitting next to him. I just moved in a little closer, like from 2 feet or 1 1/2 feet away to a little less. He seemed a lot bigger and more taller, sitting down, in a lot of ways. So, it was that before I was scared I was gonna die from that boy, technically. Now, it was that I felt scared of the party. So, I got to be close to him.
Growing Bigger
Women born around the early 1950s were mad telling us we can't grow past the age of like 11.
Ever seen German-American children lately? They look like they are 5 and the size of 7 at age 10. Imagine, light/white blond spiky hair and rather bright blue eyes.
Those women want all the praise for making it as model women. They want the girls who are chunky for some reason to sit on their laps...
Being Big
Do you think Andre Rieu got bigger to be more attractive?
An obese boy around my age maybe in the nursing home was looking at me like I was okay. I acted embarrassed I seemed to be using my weigh to look attractive and through the air pointed out the indents in his eyes, which many have, etc. I know with females, that means you ate. You shouldn't have to exercise to be skinnier than some people are. I still do. I try to eat more and somewhat considerably healthy.
I was cute and thin growing up. I'm trying to get big as I get older, but along the way I'm still not super huge. My torso for dance is like the largest size sometimes I think as of years ago, and usually it wasn't. My feet grew, too.
Pennyslvania?
I overheard people working in the nursing home saying people like me with ancestry in Pennsylvania, like, shouldn't be allowed to have tasty macaroni with that "sauce" and acted like I should be dead or "wiped off the face of the earth" or something.
What It's About
It's not about spending money and "making babies." It's about working and getting to a casting agency and "making it big."
"In 'French'"
Why is everyone "all out there" in French? I'm a simple girl in German who says, "Hallo!" "How are you?" I don't claim to know all this French. I expect an answer back. Simple as that.
Music
This is the music I listened to, yesterday. I'm still on the last one.
Singapore
March 2021 - Spanish violinist (age 18) - North German Radio Symphony Orchestra (NDR Elbphilharmonie Orchestra)
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